It has been awhile, where do I start? I am experiencing a spiritual awakening, and it has been a long time coming. Ego resistance, ego dissolution, loss of familiarity, ego death, confronting the shadow and dark night of the soul. Isolation, loneliness, and mental heightened states of anxiety and depression as I watch the old die out. Part of me wishes I stayed naive, unhealed and in the dark. There was a sense of comfort there, a false sense but I was naive and did not know that. Once you start to awaken spiritually, everything changes. Death of the ego is not for the weak. I think I started this spiritual awakening back in 2018, but it really went full speed since my parents died in 2023. 2023 may have been my dark night of the soul era. My questions to anyone who has been or is going through a S.A. What happens now? Am I being elevated for a specific reason? To have your eyes, not just physical open and experience the slow death of your ego, where does this journey take us? Or is that the whole point, the journey itself?
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I saw a question similar to this today and it hit me, time to write another blog, I only write when I am inspired or hurting. It has become an outlet for me, I keep a small journal in my bag and take time out of my work day to write, and I have a self made journal I created in Salem MA in the Fall of 2023 and I use it for spiritual entries, affirmations, and meditation.
Am I thriving? I think for the most part, I am. But what things did I have to lay down or give up to get here? Generational curses broken? Yes. Religious Trauma from childhood? Yes. Self harm and self blaming? Yes.
Generational Curses – these are the unhealthy, unhealed, abusive ways of thinking that many generations before us endure, witness, and hopefully break them so we can live healthy, happy lives. In my case, my generational curse was from my mother. Mental illness was heavy on her side of the family, lots of trauma and abuse from her parents and some of her siblings. BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder not diagnosed until she was 35 years old. Daughters to mothers with BPD, you understand, you get it. I started in therapy when I was a teen, and have stayed in therapy of some sort since then. Terrified I would end up with BPD, but have found out that it is more of a trauma response and is not seen as hereditary as say Bi-Polar. I was diagnosed with moderate ADHD at 35 years old myself, ironically. And that is a whole other topic. Being diagnosed and having cognitive and medicinal treatment has improved my life. As long as I can remember, I told myself I would break the curse of living with a loved one with BPD, I would learn from how I was treated and I would do better. Do I struggle with thoughts of not being loved, self harm and guilt that is not mine to carry? Yes, I do. But luckily I have learned to recognize when I start down those dark rabbit holes and talk myself out of them. Some days are harder than others, but for the most part, my life is full. and I have created and carved out a little space of comfort, peace and stability.
Religious Trauma – oh boy, being raised in the South, bible belt was hard as a kid. I was an intuitive child and could see early on that a lot of organized religion was abusive, cliquish, and full of hypocrisy. I had to deconstruct a lot from my childhood to find a place where I made peace with this. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I think organized religion was created to fit a controlling government and place fear into the people? I do. Am I spiritual? Absolutely. I think with out my spiritual path this past year losing both my parents and being an only child and having to maneuver through the paperwork, the grief, the unresolved conversations, the knowing I would never have closure in many ways is one thing that helped save me. My spiritual path has enriched me in healing, material, emotional ways and every day I try to stay grateful.
What am I leaving behind to Thrive? I am leaving behind my desire to have resolution and closure from my mother. In all seriousness, I do not think she would even know why she acted and behaved the way she did at times. I am leaving behind the feeling that being a girl was always to an extent a disappointment for my dad, who was stuck with a mentally ill wife and an only child that he had no clue what to do with since I was a daughter and not a son. I am laying down guilt that was never mine to carry, understanding that I do not need to punish myself over and over again. I am leaving behind the way of thinking that I was always chasing after a love from people who did not know how to love themselves. They loved the best they could, but they were also caught in the generational curses that follow down many family branches.
I started falling hopelessly in love with myself around 2015, and of course I am not always the best to myself, but self love journeys are hard. Healing past trauma is painful. Falling in love with myself was the best choice I ever made. It allows me to enjoy time to myself without feeling like I need something to fill it. It allows me to be a loving, good partner in my relationship too. Do the things I chose to leave behind still creep up in shadow at times? They do, and they will probably always be lurking in the back of my mind. I have come so far in realizing when they do peak through, and how to discern what is my responsibility to handle and correct versus the ghosts of trauma, abuse and family mental illness that will always try to haunt me.
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I love to read and use Audible often, since I am in the car a bit. I like all types of literature from non-fiction, sci-fi, horror. Recently I have tried to branch out and decided to give romance a try.
Though the characters and their situations are all different, the theme is similar. The guy is bad news, but only tender and good when around only this one woman. His past is dark, he has done atrocious things, but she is the one who can change him.
Maybe I am just not a romantic. I mean my favorite movie is Aliens, The Thing….. you get the idea. Sci-Fi, horror, action. I’d like to think I am romantic in real life, I am always trying to surprise my partner, plan trips, plan date nights. But I cannot get on board with the plots of these stories. Someone once said, if someone tells you they are a bad person, do not think you can change them or that they are not what they say. Because they probably are.
I know these are fictional, romance stories but I also think this packaged bad boy, one woman can change him idealism is toxic. I think it creates a reality mimics fiction that is dangerous for emotions, relationships. Maybe I am rambling about this, but I actually removed the books I started from my phone because I could not get into them. I found myself mad at the main character, telling her to run as fast as she can. Of course if that happened then there would be no story. Somehow this mafia, convict, dug overlord, serial cheater now reformed because of this one woman is a thing, or there would not be book after book using the same plot.
Maybe I am not a romantic, but I am wise way beyond my years. People do not change, if you enjoy these tales, then leave them at that and do not try to reform the bad boy you meet in real life. There are always exceptions to anything. but more often than not, if they are bad, cruel, mean then they are those things. And the “I can love him/them enough to make them better” is toxic AF. I said it.
Not to merge too far from this blog, but consider not sleeping on the good guys, or people. The ones who do the right thing, actually do not run from love or commitment, kind, considerate, empathetic. None of those traits make a man less manly, that is a whole different toxic belief for another time. I was with the “bad boy” for 15 years of my life. He had so many intimacy, emotional connection, lying, troubled issues that I was one of those “If I can just love him enough, it will make it all better.”
No. That is not what happened. I ended up for most of those 15 years starved and thinking the few crumbs I was given, glimpses into what might have been was enough. Until one day, I was starving for intimacy, connection and more. Maybe this is why these stories bother me on this level. Because I know first hand. You hear their horrible past history, the pain, the anguish and you make excuse after excuse as to why they are the way they are. And what they are offering is enough. But it is not. You give, and then you are empty.
So my search for a new book is starting. I just cannot with these romance novels.
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I have not written anything in a long time. Mom died in Feb this year from COPD complications. Her and dad were together for 48 years. In June of this year, my dad started showing symptoms of having a stroke. I tried to get him in for tests but his main PCP told me he was grieving and to give him time. Time he did not have. June 17th, we found him seizing on his bedroom floor. He was med flown to a hospital in a near city. Diagnosed with Glioblastoma, or Stage IV brain cancer. No cure. After multiple surgeries and a few attempts at rehab, in Aug, we decided he had enough and took him home to hospice.
It took a team of us to care for him. What government insurance like Medicare or Medicaid does not tell you is they cover zero costs for care giving, Medicaid does but it is more a loan and they have a right to all your life’s assets, property etc. So I got on care.com and I met some really amazing people. Like I said it took a team. At one point there was Hospice, and 4 caregivers helping Dad. I was able to use his retirement money and pay the caregivers without applying for Medicaid. I was able to keep my full time job because of the care givers.
The first few weeks in Aug after Dad came home, he was just happy to be home and the tumor had not started to fully grow back yet so we were able to visit, and talk. He got to eat anything he wanted, had lots of visitors and many belly laughs. He could not walk and was bed ridden due to the blood clots in both legs, but he still had such a warm, loving and happy disposition. I think he knew it was soon and was happy to be home, in the countryside, so he could look out his window and see deer playing and not concrete.
By early September, it was obvious that the brain tumor was growing back. Dad was not a candidate for chemo or radiation due to the blood clots. Slowly, I lost my dad before I lost him. My love for the outdoors, nature come from my Dad. I always called him for financial advise and life decisions. Because of what he taught me, I am smart with money, strong and independent. Mom had BPD, that is a whole other blog, but there was always the sense that she needed someone to take care of her. I am thankful for the last 15 years getting to have a decent relationship with her, but my dad taught me a lot about what I know in this life.
On September 17th, 3 months from finding him on his floor, around 9:40 pm, my dad died. I am so thankful there was no choking, death rattle, gasping for air etc. It was if a light switch turned off, his chest rose one last time then nothing. He had went from this strong, independent six foot four man to a shell of who he was, he had struggled so much I am not sure I could have handled him struggling in the last few moments.
It has been a month and two days since he left me. I did go to the beach for a long weekend soon after he died. For about four days, I checked out; I slept in, spent time by the ocean, making love, eating and drinking and reminding myself often that I am very much still here.
I returned to tackle all the things an only child must tackle once both parents are gone. That has been a long, painful, road. Again I have some amazing family, love and support that have helped me along this way. Every time I have to send a copy of his death certificate for bills, or update accounts, my heart hurts. I have had some very scary depressive episodes where I feel so lonely. I have had some good days too.
I learned so much about my dad those last few months, he also saw what his daughter was made of. I took the reigns for him, he did not have to worry about bills getting paid, animals getting fed, property care. I told him all you have to do is focus on getting better those first few months. And then when it was obvious that was not going to happen, we made sure he was home and comfortable as possible.
Losing them both in seven months has made this a very surreal, nightmarish year. I am going through some painful reflection and evolution and hoping I come out on the other side spiritually stronger.
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There seems to be an alarming amount of attitude for entitlement. People expecting things or effort but not wanting to reciprocate. I see it a lot in relationships. It makes me sad. If you happen to be lucky enough to have someone in your life that gives their time, effort and resources to make your life easier, let them know they are appreciated.
I think the foundation of lasting love is one of solid communication, and always showing appreciation to your partner. If they mow the grass, think about the time and money they saved you by mowing the grass. It sounds simple, maybe silly. But again, I think many people expect those tasks. Think about the things someone in your life may do for you that saves you time, or money. Cook, clean house, and so forth. Pay attention to them, how do they like to receive appreciation and give it. Love is an exchange, an ebb and flow. Give and take. Try each day to list things you appreciate that someone does for you that makes your life easier. Focus on that gratitude.
I’ve been on the receiving end of feeling used and taken for granted. I am learning my journey to realize my worth and what I offer. I also realize when someone gives precious resources like their time to make my life easier, or better, I take notice. I keep an IOU and put action to it.
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I bring a lot of Golden Retriever energy to most situations and relationships. I work in a difficult field of Information Technology. I get a huge surge of joy when I know my clients are happy but on the flip side, I tend to go toward negative self talk when I am not able to keep people happy.
I see this as a character flaw that is another item to add to the ole working on me list. Trying your best to be a good client advocate is key to success, however speaking ill or self hate speech is not healthy. Especially when in reality, keeping everyone happy all the time is not possible. Let’s face it, being in a service based industry if everything was working fine all the time, I’d be out of a job. I love my career and have dedicated almost half my life to it.
This post isn’t about my job, it’s about how I react to certain situations that are not mentally or emotionally healthy that my job happens to spot light. But these areas are there, part of me regardless to what I do. Which is why I need to work on them. Do better. Be kinder to myself. Learn to give grace that I do for others to myself.
Learning to be in love with yourself is not a linear experience. It has its ups and downs, ebbs and flows. So, I will get back up, knock the dust off, keep moving. After all, I am proud of my golden retriever energy. I wouldn’t change it for anything. It has saved me from some dark places and serves me well.
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I’ve come to realize, I am an extroverted introvert. Maybe there is a better term for it. But I enjoy being out, relish my close friends and love adventure. But, the only way I can really recharge my energy is solitude or at least just me and my dog. A long bath, a nap, a book. Being outside, barefoot by myself in nature. I absolutely love my own company. It really has been a huge aspect of my self love healing journey. I feel enjoying being by myself makes me a better partner, friend and person. I’ve learned an extremely valuable lesson in being alone and self entertaining, you learn to not put the pressure on others in your life to fill voids, cure boredom or fix your issues. No matter how good they make you feel, it is never their job to give you inner peace or keep you happy. True happiness starts from within, and radiates out.
Do I still have bad mental health days? Yes. Do I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy? Yes.
I get up every day and try. I practice gratitude every day. I try and will not stop trying.
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I am a 43 year old child abuse survivor. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 35. Diagnosed with PTSD at 43. My young life was with a mother who was undiagnosed BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) most of my youth and teen years. My mom passed away in February 2023 from COPD and complications from COVID. I finally sought after trauma therapy once she passed. I will talk about some painful, raw, dark subjects in this journal. But, I need you to understand that I loved my mother, and I grieved deeply when she passed. She was the first person to break my heart, manipulate me, take my trust away. I never stopped loving her, though at times if I had it would have been maybe easier if I chose not to love her. My young adult life up until late 20s, I never stopped loving her but I sure did not love myself. That often happens with abuse, we do not stop loving our abuser, we start the long path of self hatred, guilt, self harm and so forth.
So, who am I? I am a successful business woman, I found the home of my dreams, I am a fur baby mamma, I have a supportive partner, I have an amazing friend circle, I have weird hobbies that I embrace. I am youthful at heart, though very responsible with my life now, I was not always. I am child like in a fun way, and want to be successful in business so I can live not to work my life away, I realize that time is the most precious resource, experiences are more important that things. This is surface me, all me but what you see.
Who I am….I am a survivor, I take personal responsibility seriously. I struggle daily with ADHD, I am learning to embrace it. I refuse to be a victim. I am also a mess, and I often default to I am not enough, no one loves me, when stress is high or triggers happen. I have had suicidal thoughts before, and had to work very hard to dig myself out of that darkness.
I want to share, and I cannot take credit for this, my Dr recently said you should start a blog, so I want to share some of my stories. The bad, the good, the ugly with you. I want to share how I have and continue to work on myself. A work that is a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual journey.
Survive to Thrive 