I saw a question similar to this today and it hit me, time to write another blog, I only write when I am inspired or hurting. It has become an outlet for me, I keep a small journal in my bag and take time out of my work day to write, and I have a self made journal I created in Salem MA in the Fall of 2023 and I use it for spiritual entries, affirmations, and meditation.

Am I thriving? I think for the most part, I am. But what things did I have to lay down or give up to get here? Generational curses broken? Yes. Religious Trauma from childhood? Yes. Self harm and self blaming? Yes.

Generational Curses – these are the unhealthy, unhealed, abusive ways of thinking that many generations before us endure, witness, and hopefully break them so we can live healthy, happy lives. In my case, my generational curse was from my mother. Mental illness was heavy on her side of the family, lots of trauma and abuse from her parents and some of her siblings. BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder not diagnosed until she was 35 years old. Daughters to mothers with BPD, you understand, you get it. I started in therapy when I was a teen, and have stayed in therapy of some sort since then. Terrified I would end up with BPD, but have found out that it is more of a trauma response and is not seen as hereditary as say Bi-Polar. I was diagnosed with moderate ADHD at 35 years old myself, ironically. And that is a whole other topic. Being diagnosed and having cognitive and medicinal treatment has improved my life. As long as I can remember, I told myself I would break the curse of living with a loved one with BPD, I would learn from how I was treated and I would do better. Do I struggle with thoughts of not being loved, self harm and guilt that is not mine to carry? Yes, I do. But luckily I have learned to recognize when I start down those dark rabbit holes and talk myself out of them. Some days are harder than others, but for the most part, my life is full. and I have created and carved out a little space of comfort, peace and stability.

Religious Trauma – oh boy, being raised in the South, bible belt was hard as a kid. I was an intuitive child and could see early on that a lot of organized religion was abusive, cliquish, and full of hypocrisy. I had to deconstruct a lot from my childhood to find a place where I made peace with this. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I think organized religion was created to fit a controlling government and place fear into the people? I do. Am I spiritual? Absolutely. I think with out my spiritual path this past year losing both my parents and being an only child and having to maneuver through the paperwork, the grief, the unresolved conversations, the knowing I would never have closure in many ways is one thing that helped save me. My spiritual path has enriched me in healing, material, emotional ways and every day I try to stay grateful.

What am I leaving behind to Thrive? I am leaving behind my desire to have resolution and closure from my mother. In all seriousness, I do not think she would even know why she acted and behaved the way she did at times. I am leaving behind the feeling that being a girl was always to an extent a disappointment for my dad, who was stuck with a mentally ill wife and an only child that he had no clue what to do with since I was a daughter and not a son. I am laying down guilt that was never mine to carry, understanding that I do not need to punish myself over and over again. I am leaving behind the way of thinking that I was always chasing after a love from people who did not know how to love themselves. They loved the best they could, but they were also caught in the generational curses that follow down many family branches.

I started falling hopelessly in love with myself around 2015, and of course I am not always the best to myself, but self love journeys are hard. Healing past trauma is painful. Falling in love with myself was the best choice I ever made. It allows me to enjoy time to myself without feeling like I need something to fill it. It allows me to be a loving, good partner in my relationship too. Do the things I chose to leave behind still creep up in shadow at times? They do, and they will probably always be lurking in the back of my mind. I have come so far in realizing when they do peak through, and how to discern what is my responsibility to handle and correct versus the ghosts of trauma, abuse and family mental illness that will always try to haunt me.