I have not written anything in a long time. Mom died in Feb this year from COPD complications. Her and dad were together for 48 years. In June of this year, my dad started showing symptoms of having a stroke. I tried to get him in for tests but his main PCP told me he was grieving and to give him time. Time he did not have. June 17th, we found him seizing on his bedroom floor. He was med flown to a hospital in a near city. Diagnosed with Glioblastoma, or Stage IV brain cancer. No cure. After multiple surgeries and a few attempts at rehab, in Aug, we decided he had enough and took him home to hospice.

It took a team of us to care for him. What government insurance like Medicare or Medicaid does not tell you is they cover zero costs for care giving, Medicaid does but it is more a loan and they have a right to all your life’s assets, property etc. So I got on care.com and I met some really amazing people. Like I said it took a team. At one point there was Hospice, and 4 caregivers helping Dad. I was able to use his retirement money and pay the caregivers without applying for Medicaid. I was able to keep my full time job because of the care givers.

The first few weeks in Aug after Dad came home, he was just happy to be home and the tumor had not started to fully grow back yet so we were able to visit, and talk. He got to eat anything he wanted, had lots of visitors and many belly laughs. He could not walk and was bed ridden due to the blood clots in both legs, but he still had such a warm, loving and happy disposition. I think he knew it was soon and was happy to be home, in the countryside, so he could look out his window and see deer playing and not concrete.

By early September, it was obvious that the brain tumor was growing back. Dad was not a candidate for chemo or radiation due to the blood clots. Slowly, I lost my dad before I lost him. My love for the outdoors, nature come from my Dad. I always called him for financial advise and life decisions. Because of what he taught me, I am smart with money, strong and independent. Mom had BPD, that is a whole other blog, but there was always the sense that she needed someone to take care of her. I am thankful for the last 15 years getting to have a decent relationship with her, but my dad taught me a lot about what I know in this life.

On September 17th, 3 months from finding him on his floor, around 9:40 pm, my dad died. I am so thankful there was no choking, death rattle, gasping for air etc. It was if a light switch turned off, his chest rose one last time then nothing. He had went from this strong, independent six foot four man to a shell of who he was, he had struggled so much I am not sure I could have handled him struggling in the last few moments.

It has been a month and two days since he left me. I did go to the beach for a long weekend soon after he died. For about four days, I checked out; I slept in, spent time by the ocean, making love, eating and drinking and reminding myself often that I am very much still here.

I returned to tackle all the things an only child must tackle once both parents are gone. That has been a long, painful, road. Again I have some amazing family, love and support that have helped me along this way. Every time I have to send a copy of his death certificate for bills, or update accounts, my heart hurts. I have had some very scary depressive episodes where I feel so lonely. I have had some good days too.

I learned so much about my dad those last few months, he also saw what his daughter was made of. I took the reigns for him, he did not have to worry about bills getting paid, animals getting fed, property care. I told him all you have to do is focus on getting better those first few months. And then when it was obvious that was not going to happen, we made sure he was home and comfortable as possible.

Losing them both in seven months has made this a very surreal, nightmarish year. I am going through some painful reflection and evolution and hoping I come out on the other side spiritually stronger.