It has been awhile, where do I start? I am experiencing a spiritual awakening, and it has been a long time coming. Ego resistance, ego dissolution, loss of familiarity, ego death, confronting the shadow and dark night of the soul. Isolation, loneliness, and mental heightened states of anxiety and depression as I watch the old die out. Part of me wishes I stayed naive, unhealed and in the dark. There was a sense of comfort there, a false sense but I was naive and did not know that. Once you start to awaken spiritually, everything changes. Death of the ego is not for the weak. I think I started this spiritual awakening back in 2018, but it really went full speed since my parents died in 2023. 2023 may have been my dark night of the soul era. My questions to anyone who has been or is going through a S.A. What happens now? Am I being elevated for a specific reason? To have your eyes, not just physical open and experience the slow death of your ego, where does this journey take us? Or is that the whole point, the journey itself?
Tag: journey
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I am a 43 year old child abuse survivor. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 35. Diagnosed with PTSD at 43. My young life was with a mother who was undiagnosed BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) most of my youth and teen years. My mom passed away in February 2023 from COPD and complications from COVID. I finally sought after trauma therapy once she passed. I will talk about some painful, raw, dark subjects in this journal. But, I need you to understand that I loved my mother, and I grieved deeply when she passed. She was the first person to break my heart, manipulate me, take my trust away. I never stopped loving her, though at times if I had it would have been maybe easier if I chose not to love her. My young adult life up until late 20s, I never stopped loving her but I sure did not love myself. That often happens with abuse, we do not stop loving our abuser, we start the long path of self hatred, guilt, self harm and so forth.
So, who am I? I am a successful business woman, I found the home of my dreams, I am a fur baby mamma, I have a supportive partner, I have an amazing friend circle, I have weird hobbies that I embrace. I am youthful at heart, though very responsible with my life now, I was not always. I am child like in a fun way, and want to be successful in business so I can live not to work my life away, I realize that time is the most precious resource, experiences are more important that things. This is surface me, all me but what you see.
Who I am….I am a survivor, I take personal responsibility seriously. I struggle daily with ADHD, I am learning to embrace it. I refuse to be a victim. I am also a mess, and I often default to I am not enough, no one loves me, when stress is high or triggers happen. I have had suicidal thoughts before, and had to work very hard to dig myself out of that darkness.
I want to share, and I cannot take credit for this, my Dr recently said you should start a blog, so I want to share some of my stories. The bad, the good, the ugly with you. I want to share how I have and continue to work on myself. A work that is a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual journey.
Survive to Thrive 